


Row, Row, Row

by denynothing1



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-06-16
Updated: 2006-06-16
Packaged: 2017-11-27 09:52:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/660615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/denynothing1/pseuds/denynothing1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Come into my parlor, said the spider to the fly (er, flies).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Row, Row, Row

**Author's Note:**

> Timeline: Early Season 9, post-904, "The Ties that Bind."
> 
> This is for thassalia, who requested that porn drop from the sky on her birthday. Um. This offering possibly falls under the category, "Be careful what you wish for." (A very late) Happy Birthday, my dear.

***

 

Daniel Jackson was drunk as a skunk.

Cam knew this for a fact, because he had matched Jackson beer for beer and the empty bottles on the table had numbered an even dozen by the time Jackson upped the ante and ordered tequila. That had been… Cam peered at his watch. Half an hour ago, the time it had taken the cab to get them back to Cheyenne Mountain. 

The trip to the bar seemed like a good idea earlier in the evening. Being assigned to the SGC was just as much a kick as Cam had imagined, but that didn't mean he wanted to stay on base 24/7 and they were grounded for a couple days. 

But Teal'c had put the kibosh on hanging out ("Colonel Mitchell, I am currently occupied with complex negotiations. I cannot, therefore, hang."). Jackson had acted distracted when Cam first issued the invitation, attention divided between a dusty manuscript and some weird artifact that was either an alien space heater or a portable nuclear device. Cam thought he'd be flying solo till Vala cruised into the lab, overheard the invitation, trailed her fingers up Jackson's shirt front and demanded to go with them. 

The Sox winning the Series had set off fewer fireworks.

The furious exchange that followed had covered the importance of base security, being a resident alien -- "Literally!" Jackson had shouted -- the difference between an honorable Jaffa warrior and a planet-hopping petty thief when it came to issuing off-base passes, not to mention Vala's lack of any I.D. whatsoever and no, her signed affidavit from the Governor of Lockengrigsby didn't count, no matter how big the smile on his face was when she'd left him.

Cam was kind of enjoying himself, so he was startled when Jackson ended the argument with a terse, "Let's get out of here," delivered over his shoulder on his way out the door. Cam had to step double time to keep up.

Once they got to the bar, Jackson had wavered when Cam ordered a round of Fat Tire, claiming he wasn't much of a beer drinker. Either he was protesting too much or whatever was bugging him -- fine, whoever was bugging him -- was having an effect, because after his first, polite swallow, there was no stopping him. His capacity for beer and griping suddenly seemed limitless. Cam was trying to figure out what had happened to the original plan to have a couple drinks and get some chow that didn't come on a tray or sealed in a foil pouch when his cell phone rang.

"Colonel Mitchell, sir? This is Captain Barrett. Do you know where Dr. Jackson is?" The tinny voice sounded faintly hysterical.

Cam straightened up. "He's right here with me, Captain. Is there a problem?"

"It's just that we're-- No ma'am, you can't-- Sir, can you bring Dr. Jackson back to the base and down to the Security Office? It's Miss, er, Ms.-- Oh hell. Give that back! Sorry, sir. It's Vala. Could you--" There was a pause, some huffy breathing and, quite possibly, a whimper. "Sir?" 

Air Force officers should never sound that pitiful, Mitchell thought. He threw Jackson an inquiring look and mouthed, "Vala." 

Jackson's eyeroll in reply only rated about a 6 on the Vala Annoyance Scale, but then, Vala was working long distance and Jackson was operating at a deficit.

"We're on our way, Captain."

A muffled squawk burst from the phone before he turned it off.

Back at the SGC, Cam walked down the hall with the careful, deliberate stride of the only mostly drunk, ready to catch Jackson if he took a wrong turn and bounced off something. At least he'd ixnayed joining him on that last shot of tequila for the road. (Which had prompted Jackson to throw back both in quick succession.) 

So really. Cam was fine.

"I thought the whole point of being in the military was so you could shoot people," Jackson commented, as they wove down the corridor.

"Yeah, but there's also the part about keeping a tactical advantage. We need her at the moment."

"Like a drowning man needs a leaky boat."

"Better than no boat at all."

"Have you ever even heard of the Titanic?"

They got to the Security Office and stood puzzled for a moment, looking around the empty room. Raised voices down the hall turned them around and led them to a small annex. Barrett was holding a digital camera still wired to an open laptop. From the look on his face, they'd interrupted him just as he was about to yank the camera free and turn it into a guided missile.

"Sir! She says it's some sort of sacrilege, sir. I told her we needed an order from General Landry and a photo and fingerprints for the base I.D. card, but she won't let us take them. She says in her culture it's taboo for anyone except--" He stopped and glanced nervously at Jackson, then turned back to Cam. "Uh, her significant-- Someone she--" He gulped. "She was pretty graphic, sir."

Cam glanced at the two Airmen standing on either side of Vala, her discreet but ever-present personal guard. She was perched on a stool at the end of the room in front of a white screen, lit by two small spotlights. The Airmen were utterly stone-faced. Vala was smiling at Jackson like she was about to spit canary feathers at him.

"Understood, Captain." Cam tried hard not to give in to the grin threatening the corners of his mouth. His brain was semi-offline at the moment, but from what he remembered, Barrett was relatively new. A few more years in the SGC (or reading all the files, like Cam had) would probably... still not prepare him to handle Vala. 

"She kept touching things, sir." Now that he had a sympathetic audience, Barrett was on a roll. "In here, in the office, in-- on-- my, my-- uh. I don't understand how a culture can have taboos about photographs when they have no problem touching--"

"I'll tell you what. Let's just call this an SG-1 matter and I'll take it from here, Captain." The evening was already blown. What was one more cat to herd? "Thanks for keeping an eye on her. Dismissed." Cam included the Airmen with a lift of his chin and wondered how they managed to convey gratitude and life-long personal devotion without changing expression. They fell in behind Barrett, who saluted and left, trying not to look like he was leading a rout.

A triumphant female voice accompanied Barrett out the door. "It's so lovely to finally have someone here who is willing to protect my virtue. Thank you so much, Colonel."

Cam glanced over at Jackson, who was standing, hands on hips, glaring at Vala. Apart from the fact that he was swaying slightly, he looked kind of scary. 

"Not your virtue I'm here to protect, ma'am," Cam drawled.

Vala flashed him a brilliant smile. "Oh, goody." 

Cam blinked, then looked back over at Jackson, who was now examining the camera with a frown. He'd done his best for the guy this evening, but Jesus, there were limits. He'd haul the both of them back to the VIP quarters downstairs and call it a night. Even if Jackson and Vala got into it again, there were plenty of SFs around. Big ones. With guns. "Okay. I think we should all head back to our side of the playground kids, and then you two are on your own. I don't think you need me anymore tonight, and besides, there's that taboo thing, so…"

Vala hopped off the stool and slinked -- there was no other word for it -- towards him. She didn't stop till she was close enough to fill his personal space with a sweet scent that tickled his nose. As he stepped back, she slid her arms around his chest, then began sweeping her fingers up and down his back. He stepped back again and his shoulder hit the door. It clicked shut.

Which was when he realized the room had no overhead light. The harsh overheads in the hallway and the small spotlights against the wall had done the job before. Now, it was only the spotlights and the glow of the laptop that illuminated Vala's pleased grin.

"Taboo?" Her voice was a throaty purr. She brushed his chin, then cheek, then nose with her lips. Even though they were barely touching, suddenly… He was barely breathing.

"The--" His voice cracked and he cleared his throat. "The significant other thing you-- Jackson?" He turned his head, which merely gave Vala a new target. She sighed into his ear and for a moment he could swear he felt the tip of her tongue. "Jackson!"

"What?" Jackson looked up from absently shaking the camera. "I think there's something wrong-- Whoa, whoa, whoa." He pushed his glasses back up his nose. "What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm not doing anything! Your girlfriend here--"

"I'm not talking to you! And she is not," Jackson gritted out, "my girlfriend." He tried to put the camera down and missed the table by a mile, then stood rocking in time as the camera swung at the end of its cable. "Huh," he muttered.

"Yeah, yeah, not your girlfriend." Cam said. "How about a little help anyway?" 

Because Vala's arms were under his, Cam's efforts to move her away only resulted in a closer, if still clumsy embrace. She laughed under her breath and moved her hands southward. "Now what did you two get up to after you left me here all on my own?" One of her legs moved between his and she started rocking her hips side to side. "Was there music? Pretty women? If you two were out there dancing without me, I'll never forgive you."

Cam grunted as she shifted forward, almost shimmying up his leg till she was flush against him. And still rocking. He was torn between laughing and giving her an A for effort. His amusement lasted all of ten seconds. "Hey!" he yelped as her hands dropped down to squeeze his ass. He batted them away only to have them snake under his belt and start pulling his shirt out of his jeans. "Yo! Jackson! Subtle hints not working here." 

He really didn't want to have to hurt her, but this was getting ridiculous. Also, the tiny, enclosed room was getting warmer by the minute and he was thirsty. And hungry, dammit. And… how the hell had she gotten her hand down _there_? "Jackson!"

Jackson dragged his attention away from the camera, scowled in Cam's general direction, then thankfully made a mostly straight beeline across the room.

"A Lieutenant Colonel's salary isn't enough to keep you in lock picks, Vala. You're wasting your time."

"Now, Daniel, I'm only trying not to drop dead from boredom till you get the camera fixed-- Oh!" Vala gave a delighted gasp as Jackson pulled her away. Her arms flew up around his neck, a move that unbalanced them both. They tumbled to the ground at Cam's feet. Jackson's "Oof" was muffled by Vala's laughter. 

He gazed down at them as Jackson tried ineffectually to push Vala off. She slipped under every guard he put up, hips shifting enthusiastically as she planted her knees and straddled him. Cam watched, bemused, noting that whatever she was wearing, it looked like it was spray-painted on. 

Jackson suddenly gave up, went limp and flung his arms out to his sides. Vala settled herself firmly with a satisfied, "There we go," and stopped wiggling. Cam stifled a sigh of regret.

"Oh hell," Jackson muttered. "What did I ever do to deserve this?" 

"Face it, you have a gift, my darling." Vala leaned down and began giving Jackson's neck the same attention Cam's ear had been getting only moments before. "And if you had only seen fit to let me join you, I wouldn't have had to make my own fun back here. A few weeks ago, you wouldn't have been able to leave, and I got just a teeny, tiny bit used to that, I confess. But now you're back! And I'm only too happy to have _you_ join _me_. I'm just the model of generosity and hospitality, aren't I? You two could take lessons."

Cam stared as her long, shiny hair started falling out of the clip thing in the back and drifting down to shield her and Jackson from Cam's gaze. Which was a lot more interested than it should be, he realized with a start. He coughed and pulled at the door, saying, "Well, I think I'll just--" He frowned, rattled the knob experimentally, then pulled again. Nothing happened. 

"Just--" He got a firm grip with both hands and pulled with all his strength, ignoring the muffled groan behind him. That didn't sound like Vala and Cam didn't want to know about it. "Dammit!" He banged on the stubborn door.

"What?" Jackson's bleary voice came from behind the curtain of hair. "'S'wrong?"

"The door won't open."

"Oh _dear_ ," Vala exclaimed.

"What did you do?" Cam walked the two steps to stand over the couple on the floor. Jackson looked up at him in confusion. 

Vala twisted up to face Cam and smiled. "I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about, Colonel."

"Okay, let me--" Jackson began wiggling out from under Vala. 

Cam turned back to the door, valiantly ignoring her breathy, "Ooh, Daniel."

Once Jackson was beside him, they peered at the lock, twisted the knob, used their combined strength in a brute force approach and… Nothing. 

They looked at each other in horror, then started banging on the door and yelling in an attempt to get Barrett's -- anybody's -- attention. After thirty seconds of that, they slumped against the door, breathing hard.

"Oh… my God. Maybe we're in the section that's all soundproofed," Jackson said suddenly.

"Are you sure?"

"Where are we again?"

Cam banged his head against the door. That didn't bring anyone running either.

He jumped about a foot when Jackson yelled, "I know! You can shoot it open."

"I'm not armed!"

"Well, what good are you then?" Jackson kicked the door in disgust, then steadied himself with a hand on Cam's shoulder and reached down to grab his foot. "Ow."

Vala, who had been sitting cross-legged on the floor watching their efforts with poorly veiled amusement, now popped under Jackson's arm and did some half-hearted doorknob rattling of her own. "Are we stuck? In here alone together? Whatever are we going to do with ourselves?" 

"You-- You--" Jackson lunged. 

"Hold on, time out!" Cam did his best to hold him back, swing her out of the way and keep them all upright. With genuine regret, he realized he really, really shouldn't have had that sixth beer as they all three swung around, tipped backward, hit the door and slid to the floor in an ungraceful heap. 

Vala didn't miss a beat. "Me? Me?" 

Jackson's outraged reply and her even more indignant response washed over him as Cam leaned back against the door and shut his eyes. Jesus, it was like a ten alarm fire in the middle of a tornado. And wasn't this evening just one of his best ideas ever, because it looked like Vala/Jackson Round 2 was going to happen right in his lap. 

All Cam had wanted was a night off base, a couple beers and maybe some hot wings. Instead, he was stuck in what amounted to a closet, pinned against a locked door by a sexy alien (who smelled like clover) and her deadliest enemy. Who were doing their damnedest to turn him into so much collateral damage. Wearily, he tried to heave himself up a few inches to reach into his pocket for his cell phone. Where the hell was it? He was sure he'd put it-- and why was it so quiet all of a sudden?

Cam opened his eyes. Vala and her deadliest enemy had stopped yelling and were kissing. To say they were putting as much effort into it as they had into trying to kill each other just a moment before was an understatement.

Well. This was unexpected.

Cam let out a quiet grunt as Jackson leaned in and pushed Vala backward until she was wedged against Cam's chest. He put an arm around her shoulders purely as a defensive move and sat still for a minute, his mind an absolute blank. High school parties in dimly lit basements, buddies' cars, dozens of smoky bars had all featured enough public face sucking it shouldn't get to him. But this… First of all, it was happening six inches away for Christ's sake. Close enough to feel damned weird when Jackson pulled back, shrugged off his jacket, then began unbuttoning Vala's shirt. 

"Um, Jackson?" Cam croaked. He was ignored.

Vala reached out and ran a hand down Jackson's cheek, then brushed her thumb over his bottom lip. He flashed a look at her, eyes lit and challenging… and opened his mouth, letting her thumb slip in, just the tip, then went back to getting her shirt open. She pulled her hand back and rubbed her thumb over her own lips then turned to look over at Cam. 

Mesmerized, watching her thumb brush her lips, he wasn't prepared. She reached up, pulled his head down and kissed him, lips hot and slick. He groaned into her mouth and sent his tongue out to taste in pure reflex. Soft, wet, better than hot wings any day. He slid his hand behind her neck to pull her closer and she made the most amazing sound, low in her throat. He started to move his hand slowly down her chest and discovered there was absolutely nothing in his way. His fingers trailed across the top swell of her breast, then closed on the rigid tip and brushed over and over till she pulled her lips away with a groan. 

"What are we-- Why are we doing this down here?" Jackson's muzzy voice came from somewhere low and to his left.

Oh, now he was asking questions.

Vala put her lips right up to Cam's. Each word sent a tiny electric pulse into the sensitive skin, like an erotic tattoo. "Because it's more comfortable than standing up, silly."

Cam puzzled over this while licking his lips. Actually, the floor was kind of hard. And-- whoa, wait a minute. He licked again. Was that tequila?

He looked down as Vala gave a sharp, delighted cry and fixated on the sight of Jackson sucking her breast with fierce concentration, breaking to make a broad sweep with the flat of his tongue, then pulling the nipple back in, tongue and lips working it together. Vala's head lolled on Cam's shoulder and she caught his gaze. Far from being glazed over, her eyes held a happy, even triumphant, look. She reached down to thread her fingers into Jackson's hair, never losing eye contact with Cam. She leaned up to kiss him again with her eyes open, pulling his tongue into her mouth with a pleased, low hum.

So he'd moved from hosting Round 2 to joining in on Round 3? She was running the tip of her tongue over and around his, over and around and… yeah, he decided. He was fine with that.

Vala moved her lips up his cheek, trailing tiny kisses till her teeth clamped lightly on his earlobe. It went right to his groin and he realized he was fully erect. He wasn't a monk and it wasn't like he hadn't had threesomes before -- fine, if you wanted to get technical, it had been just the one and that time he'd been the only Y chromosome in the room, the way God and Hugh Hefner intended it. 

But this was different. This was really-- Okay, hand down his pants. He threw his head back and gave in to the moan that had been building for what felt like hours, then slitted his eyes open long enough to check whether the hand making warm, solid contact with his dick was a female one. Not that his dick seemed to care.

He also saw that at some point, most of his shirt buttons had gotten undone, his belt was open, his zipper was down and Vala was now wearing nothing but an open shirt and a really big smile. Possibly because Jackson had moved on and was working his way down her flat belly, tongue exploring every inch. As Cam watched in frozen fascination, Jackson's big hands pushed Vala's legs open, then slid under her ass to tilt her pelvis up. 

Vala made a delighted sound between a 'Whee" and a "Oop," then chuckled, "Let's see what we have here, shall we? Don't want anyone to feel left out."

With Jackson holding her lower body pretty firmly in place, she couldn't get both hands on Cam, but what she lacked in access, she made up for with skill. She gripped the base of his cock with just the right pressure and pulled up to the tip, moved her hand back down and around, then did it again. He'd started to reach back for her breast when she grabbed his hand and moved it down instead and he groaned as his fingers slid into wet, wet heat. 

He looked down and caught Jackson's startled gaze. It was the first time they'd made eye contact since this whole thing started, Cam realized. Jackson's glasses were long gone and Cam half-expected him to look puzzled. He didn't. He licked his lips, blinked slowly, then gave Vala a deliberate look and slid his hand alongside Cam's. They weren't quite touching each other, but they were rubbing, sliding together on either side of her clit, till Jackson twisted his hand and drove his thumb up into her.

She gasped, then gave a happy wail as Jackson followed his thumb down and pressed his mouth over her clit. Her back arched and Cam watched in fascination as she pumped her hips up toward Jackson's mouth. He hung on and his tongue brushed over Cam's fingers, flicking soft and rough. Cam groaned again, a low, hoarse chorus as she arched one last time and held the position for a long, long moment, her breath sliding out in a high pitched cry. As she slowly lowered herself back down, he slid his middle finger down the side of her clit and up into her, alongside (jesus god) Jackson's thumb. He could feel the rhythmic spasms all around them and thought, 'This is the best damn cage match _ever_.'

Cam grunted in annoyance as Vala sighed happily and pulled his hand away. "Hey," he said, looking back at her face. She smiled up at him and wrapped his now slick hand around his cock. "Oh… yeah, okay," he said generously, "You win." She slid her hand below his and palmed his balls, then pressed behind them, pushing against his perineum just hard enough that he gasped and his hand sped up.

Vala's head was back on his shoulder, her eyes closed as she rolled her head back and forth at whatever Jackson was doing down there. Maybe going for the win in Round 4. Cam leaned down to kiss her. Just before his lips touched she whispered, "Let me, let me," and slid her hand under his. The change in grip, in pressure was perfect and he hummed into her mouth as a spasm hit his lower back then traveled right for his tightening balls. As he pushed his tongue between her lips, he felt the inevitable clench of his lower body that signaled lock and load. He arched up into her hand and came with a couple mind-blowing, hip-stuttering thrusts. 

Coming down took a few minutes. Or a few years, he couldn't be sure. What he could be sure of was that there was some shifting and soft murmuring going on next to him, then something poked his ribs.

He blinked in confusion as Vala held up a wrapped condom and murmured, "Help me out here, darling." 

He absently tore the wrapper for her, thinking, where the hell had that come from? In the dim light at their end of the room, it looked like the brand he usually used. In fact, it looked like the one he kept in his wallet and okay, hold the phone. How the hell -- when?! -- had she gotten hold of his wallet? He opened his mouth to protest, then lost his train of thought as Vala started easing the condom over Jackson's cock.

It shouldn't be hot, watching this. It should be like every cheesy porn film Cam had ever seen, watching two other people fucking. The bad disco music should be starting up right about now, but hell. This was happening right on top of him and he could still smell Vala's perfume, mixed with the heavy scent of sex and sweat. 

He let out an embarrassing moan as Jackson got his knees under him, lifted Vala partially off Cam's lap and surged into her, showing more coordination than he had all night. Cam couldn't take his eyes off the sight of Vala with her head thrown back, mouth open in a renewed wail of pleasure. He reached out to hold one full breast, mesmerized as the shudder of Jackson's thrusts transferred through it to his palm. The long muscles of Jackson's back and ass and thighs were sliding under his skin-- and whoa, somehow when Cam wasn't looking, Jackson had gotten completely naked. Christ, he wasn't even wearing shoes. 

Which suddenly didn't matter all that much when Vala, who was holding Jackson's head in the crook of her neck, and crooning, "So good, so good, darling," turned toward Cam, brought his lips down to hers and licked them open. He was spent and should be out of it, but suddenly he was kissing her back for all he was worth, tongue sliding over hers. Jackson's muffled, rhythmic gasps filled his ears and he found himself thrusting his tongue into her mouth right on the beat. 

His hand tightened on her breast until she grasped his wrist and directed him downward. Her tongue fluttered in his mouth and she arched up as his fingers reached that last little distance and pressed down, right above where Jackson was sliding in. He had to pull his mouth away, concentrate on watching, on not missing a minute of this. Her cries got higher and higher until she bucked up hard, once, twice, pushing up against his hand and trapping it between her and Jackson.

Physically, there wasn't a damn thing happening in him, but mentally-- whoa. Cam was transfixed. He knew what Jackson was feeling as the aftershocks rippled through Vala. Jackson stilled, head dropped and panting hard, then began to thrust again, long hard strokes. Suddenly, Jackson's harsh breathing stuttered to a stop, and with one last thrust he moaned low and long. In what looked like slow motion, he lowered his chest onto Vala's and dropped his head onto her shoulder, right by Cam's hand.

"All the stars in sky above," Vala breathed.

The tiny bit of adrenaline that had kept Cam focused for the last few minutes drained away and he lolled back against the door, feeling utterly boneless. The warm, close air in the little room was hushed.

Slowly, slowly, higher order brain function started seeping back. Well, not all that high. Cam's first thought was a disjointed combination of a dirty little sax riff and an off key ditty that ended, "Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream." 

He'd started to drift back under when a rusty, male voice said, "Beer."

The chuckle started deep in Cam's diaphragm, until it burst out loud and only a little hysterical. Vala's smoky chortle joined in. Underneath them -- or rather, on top of them -- Jackson muttered, "Oh, my fucking god. Now I remember why I don't drink beer."

"Funny, Jackson, there was nothing about that in the files I read. Although some stuff may have been above my security clearance."

Jackson squinted as his gaze tracked up Cam's bare chest, made a detour over to Vala, widened in something close to horror, then shifted up to Cam's face. "You…? Ohhh crap." He did a faceplant between Vala's breasts.

Feeling slightly insulted -- after all, _he_ had just had a great time -- Cam said, "Hey man, don't worry about it. When we get out of here I'll buy you a drink and you can forget all about it."

He took some satisfaction in the muffled groan he got in reply. As the pleasure centers of his brain stopped firing on all cylinders, they slowly gave way to the ones that reported that he was hot, sweaty, sticky and if he sat wedged against this door with two other people on top of him much longer, his ass was going to go numb. 

Sighing, he reached behind him to continue his interrupted -- his world-class, Holy Mary, Mother of God, no one would ever believe this, interrupted -- search for his cell phone. If he could just get Teal'c to come up here and get them out, the night would end with him at least breaking even. Vala gave him a Mona Lisa smile as she nestled more comfortably onto his chest and began to gently rub the back of Jackson's neck. Hell, maybe he'd come out of it a few points ahead.

His hand made contact with the phone on the floor behind him. "Yes! Here we go." 

Jackson blinked up at the beep of the phone as it opened. "Who do you think you're calling? We're twenty stories underground, here. And oh good god, what the hell are we going to say when someone finally does get us out?" 

Before Cam could answer, Vala chimed in, "Daniel, I don't see what you're so worried about. If you must explain, just tell anyone who asks that you found yourself desperate to make an alien do it."

Before Cam could protest, Daniel sputtered for him. "Hey! Who started zooming who, here?" 

"Oh, I'm sorry." She combed her fingers into his hair. "You're right, it was an alien who made _you_ do it." She nodded emphatically and slipped her hand down to pat Jackson's reddening cheek. He didn't look any happier at this new interpretation of the evening's events. Vala's other hand trailed lazily behind her, across Cam's chest. "After all, I've heard that happens to you people all the time."

Cam grinned at Jackson. "She's got you there, amigo. From what I read--"

"Shut. Up." Jackson glared at Cam, then gave up and dropped back down onto Vala. "Anyway. This didn't happen. Never happened. Took a picture. And some fingerprints. That's all."

Vala stretched contentedly and purred, "Mmmhmm, I can feel prints from both your fingers in lots of nice places."

Cam glanced down at the creamy skin of her neck. Even in the shadowy light, it was showing a fair amount of beard burn. He'd be willing to bet that wasn't the only mark she'd walk away with. He took a moment to pull her hand up and kiss it, figuring there was no point in being hostile at this stage of the game. 

A contemplative silence fell back over the room. Cam tried to focus his muddled brain on how the hell to get them out of here. He glanced over at the laptop. Maybe they could send an email. 

He was laughing to himself when Vala said, "Yes, fingerprints and an I.D. picture. That story will probably work. As long as nobody looks at the video that little camera has been recording."

Two of the three people in the room froze. 

"Fuck me sideways," Cam breathed, then almost choked as he realized that was a pretty good description of what had just happened. "You said the camera was broken."

"It was!" Jackson protested, struggling to prop himself up. "I couldn't make it take any pictures."

"Of course," Vala soothed gently, fingers back in Jackson's hair. "That's because it was already recording video."

"Hah!" Jackson said. "That thing doesn't have enough memory to record more than a few minutes. And we-- I! Damn well lasted more than a few minutes!"

"Yes, you did, didn't you?" Vala smiled fondly at him. "Someday you must tell me more about this amazing elixir called beer." 

"It's pretty damned dark in here," Cam started, trying to wrench back control of the situation. He almost rolled his eyes at the thought. Because he'd been so thoroughly in control of the evening up to this point. "The camera couldn't have picked up--"

"Not _everything_ , no," Vala agreed thoughtfully. "Though there's this wonderful technological breakthrough your planet has made with video recordings. They have sound! I'm sure every lovely moan and--"

"You-- No! Not enough memory!" Jackson threw a desperate look over at the camera, hanging still from its tether with its beady lens pointed right at them.

"Oh, not on the camera, darling. I know that much, at least. But there is enough memory in that that little computer -- so cute! -- that it's been transferring the images to. And you can make up any password you want for your own files. Imagine my surprise when Captain Barrett kindly explained that to me earlier. Although I'm not sure he realized that's _quite_ what he was doing. Now, where was I? Ah. Once you have the file, that computer could be connected to… something bigger. A waiter? No that's wrong." Her tongue peeked out from the corner of her mouth as she made a great show of thinking hard. "A server! That was it. It could be connected to a server to save the file and keep it safe _forever_. If that's what you wanted." She turned and batted her lashes at Cam. "But that's not necessary for now, do you think?"

During her whole speech, Cam's brilliant and way the hell too short career was flashing in front of his eyes. Local. She was keeping the file local. She didn't really want to destroy them. She just wanted them to know that she could. He was torn between feeling admiration for how she had taken advantage of the situation and wanting to wring her neck. And if he were honest, his pride was taking a beating knowing that for her, this had been a means of gaining leverage, nothing more. Cam suddenly had a very, very clear understanding of why Jackson went off like a roman candle every time she got near him. He closed his eyes as his head started to pound.

"I know a great little planet where disappearing is easy and nobody talks," Jackson said, in a forlorn voice. "It's like the Las Vegas of planets. We can dial out just as soon as I find my pants."

"Oh please. What's wrong with the two of you?" Vala demanded. "Do you really think I would let just anyone see the file? Although I probably could be persuaded to give the two of you copies."

"Shit." Cam seemed to have reached a plateau, revelation-wise.

"Copies?" Jackson whispered.

"When we leave here -- not that I'm ready for that at this moment, mind you. You make for an awfully nice pillow, Cameron. May I call you Cameron?" Vala looked up and gave Cam a charming smile. 

Okay, this woman was insane. He gripped the back of her neck, ready to push her away and get up. Instead of resisting, she moved up into his hold and kissed him. "Thank you, Cameron," she said. "This was lovely. _You_ were lovely." His jaw dropped as she turned the other way to where Jackson was blinking at them and kissed him, too. His eyes fluttered closed, then opened as she pulled away. "Daniel?"

Cam licked his lips. He could feel tension all down Vala's spine. 

The dead stillness of the room was broken by Jackson's gusting sigh. "You are the most irritating, aggravating, manipulative, conniving--"

"Don't forget gorgeous, my love."

"Agh! One of these days you're going to run into someone who's not nearly as civilized as I am and they're going to launch you to the next galaxy without needing a wormhole."

"You two came awfully close to doing that at least twice tonight," Vala purred. "Why else do you think I just said thank you?"

Cam leaned back against the door, letting the sideshow roll on without him. He was a trained professional. He could deal with this. As soon as they made sure the file was local and not anywhere near the SGC server, they could destroy it. He'd smash the camera and the computer if he had to, and she knew that as well as he did. Of course, considering the woman could give a battlefield general lessons in tactics, with "Keep your adversaries off balance" as the first rule, that wouldn't keep Vala herself from talking. Or Jackson either, he thought suddenly. Especially if they went out again one night and someone bought him a beer. Crap. 

He decided not to deal with it right this moment. They needed to get out of this room and then he could decide what to do. "Relax, Jackson," he said, with a lot more confidence than he was feeling. "I have a plan."

"Oh, I feel much better. Please tell me it involves one of the seventy-eight ways you know how to kill someone." 

"Now, Daniel, be nice. The camera is still recording. What is Teal'c going to think when he hears you talk like that?"

"You're going to show him the file?" Daniel looked utterly horrified all over again. 

Cam started looking around for Jackson's pants, since his options were dwindling and that Las Vegas planet was sounding better all the time.

"Well of course," Vala said "How else will he know whether it's worth it to join us next time?"

 

***

**Author's Note:**

> I am lucky to have had good and conscientious beta readers for this story. Thank you, cofax7, haphazardmethod and minnow1212. Any cracks in this soufflé are no reflection on them, but on my own crack-headedness.


End file.
